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| the Presidents of the United States gather together for President's Day |
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A rare bipartisan Presidents' Day gathering of all five living U.S. presidents descended into chaos Monday when President Joe Biden allegedly threw the first punch, striking former President Donald Trump squarely in the mouth and igniting what witnesses described as “the most unified beatdown attempt in modern political history.”
The closed-door event, billed as a symbolic show of national unity at a secure venue beneath the Lincoln Memorial, began cordially with small talk about golf handicaps, ice cream preferences, and whether Monica Lewinsky still sends holiday cards.
According to multiple anonymous sources with direct knowledge of the scuffle (because everyone involved is either too old or too proud to go on record), tensions escalated when Biden, mid-sentence about the importance of “comity and corn pop,” suddenly lunged forward and connected with a right hook that split Trump’s lip.
Trump reportedly paused, dabbed the blood with a monogrammed handkerchief, and declared, “That’s the weakest punch I’ve seen since Crooked Hillary tried to debate me.”What followed was an impromptu free-for-all.
Former President Barack Obama attempted to de-escalate with a calm hand gesture, only to receive a forearm shiver that sent his signature aviators skittering across the floor. Former President George W. Bush, channeling his inner rodeo days, grabbed a nearby folding chair and swung wildly, yelling “This is for freedom!” before Trump disarmed him and used the chair as a makeshift vault to leap over the conference table.
Former President Bill Clinton tried a classic sleeper hold from behind, muttering something about “relaxing like it’s 1999,” but was promptly yanked forward by his own tie and planted face-first into the carpet with a textbook DDT.
Biden, still holding an ice pack to his own cheek despite not having been struck again, reportedly shouted “This is pure malarkey!” while windmilling ineffectively.
In the end, all four opponents converged on Trump in a coordinated geriatric dogpile. Eyewitness accounts (mostly from Secret Service agents who were ordered to stand down) say Trump simply planted his feet, let out a booming “YUUUGE!”, and shrugged the entire group off like they were soggy campaign yard signs.
Biden landed in a pile of popped red-white-and-blue balloons. Bush ended up buried in nacho cheese. Obama retrieved his glasses from under a charcuterie board. Clinton crawled out from beneath the table whispering, “I’ve had worse in Little Rock.”
Trump, suit barely wrinkled and tie still knotted perfectly, surveyed the wreckage, checked his watch, and announced, “Beautiful. Tremendous ratings. Best Presidents’ Day ever. I’m keeping the prosciutto—winner’s prerogative.”
He then exited stage right, leaving the others to pick themselves up amid scattered helium balloons and dignity.
White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre declined to comment, citing “ongoing digestive issues related to the incident.” The Trump campaign immediately released a statement calling it “the greatest comeback since Trump's victory in the 2024 presidential election.”
No arrests were made, and medical personnel reported only minor injuries: one split lip, four bruised egos, and one former president still asking if anyone had Monica’s lawyer on speed dial.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical work of pure fiction. No presidents were actually injured, no charcuterie boards were harmed beyond reasonable repurposing, and the entire event is invented for comedic purposes. Any resemblance to real politicians, living or otherwise, is coincidental and meant in the spirit of absurd humor.
The closed-door event, billed as a symbolic show of national unity at a secure venue beneath the Lincoln Memorial, began cordially with small talk about golf handicaps, ice cream preferences, and whether Monica Lewinsky still sends holiday cards.
According to multiple anonymous sources with direct knowledge of the scuffle (because everyone involved is either too old or too proud to go on record), tensions escalated when Biden, mid-sentence about the importance of “comity and corn pop,” suddenly lunged forward and connected with a right hook that split Trump’s lip.
Trump reportedly paused, dabbed the blood with a monogrammed handkerchief, and declared, “That’s the weakest punch I’ve seen since Crooked Hillary tried to debate me.”What followed was an impromptu free-for-all.
Former President Barack Obama attempted to de-escalate with a calm hand gesture, only to receive a forearm shiver that sent his signature aviators skittering across the floor. Former President George W. Bush, channeling his inner rodeo days, grabbed a nearby folding chair and swung wildly, yelling “This is for freedom!” before Trump disarmed him and used the chair as a makeshift vault to leap over the conference table.
Former President Bill Clinton tried a classic sleeper hold from behind, muttering something about “relaxing like it’s 1999,” but was promptly yanked forward by his own tie and planted face-first into the carpet with a textbook DDT.
Biden, still holding an ice pack to his own cheek despite not having been struck again, reportedly shouted “This is pure malarkey!” while windmilling ineffectively.
In the end, all four opponents converged on Trump in a coordinated geriatric dogpile. Eyewitness accounts (mostly from Secret Service agents who were ordered to stand down) say Trump simply planted his feet, let out a booming “YUUUGE!”, and shrugged the entire group off like they were soggy campaign yard signs.
Biden landed in a pile of popped red-white-and-blue balloons. Bush ended up buried in nacho cheese. Obama retrieved his glasses from under a charcuterie board. Clinton crawled out from beneath the table whispering, “I’ve had worse in Little Rock.”
Trump, suit barely wrinkled and tie still knotted perfectly, surveyed the wreckage, checked his watch, and announced, “Beautiful. Tremendous ratings. Best Presidents’ Day ever. I’m keeping the prosciutto—winner’s prerogative.”
He then exited stage right, leaving the others to pick themselves up amid scattered helium balloons and dignity.
White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre declined to comment, citing “ongoing digestive issues related to the incident.” The Trump campaign immediately released a statement calling it “the greatest comeback since Trump's victory in the 2024 presidential election.”
No arrests were made, and medical personnel reported only minor injuries: one split lip, four bruised egos, and one former president still asking if anyone had Monica’s lawyer on speed dial.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical work of pure fiction. No presidents were actually injured, no charcuterie boards were harmed beyond reasonable repurposing, and the entire event is invented for comedic purposes. Any resemblance to real politicians, living or otherwise, is coincidental and meant in the spirit of absurd humor.
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