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| Don Lemon has been arrested |
Former CNN anchor Don Lemon was dramatically arrested by Trump's Space Force today while trying to escape justice by fleeing to outer space after being chraged with violating the FACE Act. Sources close to the situation (okay, fine, our imagination) report that Lemon, ever the quick thinker, donned a pilfered Soviet-era cosmonaut suit and blasted off in a makeshift rocket fueled by leftover liberal tears and Red Bull. His destination? The fiery hellhole of Mustafar, that iconic Star Wars planet where lava flows like bad ratings and Sith lords go to brood.
Eyewitnesses—or should we say "space-witnesses"—claim Lemon's escape pod screamed through the atmosphere like a poorly edited viral clip, leaving a trail of snarky commentary in its wake. "I just wanted a place where my hot takes could literally melt faces," Lemon allegedly quipped mid-flight, according to absolutely no one. Mustafar, with its rivers of molten rock and perpetual ash clouds, seemed the perfect hideout for a journalist known for grilling politicians hotter than a solar flare.
But alas, Lemon's interstellar jaunt was short-lived. Enter President Trump's vaunted Space Force, the branch of the military that's basically the Air Force but with more lasers and fewer budget cuts. Led by a squadron of zero-gravity commandos in shiny MAGA-branded helmets, the Space Force intercepted Lemon's vessel just as he was about to touch down on Mustafar's volcanic shores. "We have the best space cops, folks—tremendous, believe me," Trump tweeted from his gold-plated command center, adding a string of rocket emojis for emphasis.
The arrest unfolded like a low-budget blockbuster: Lemon, still suited up with Soviet symbols gleaming under the red glow of lava, was cuffed by guardians in tactical space gear. Reports indicate he tried to negotiate his release by offering exclusive interviews with Darth Vader's ghost, but the Space Force wasn't buying it. "You're coming back to Earth for trial, buddy—no more fake news from the Outer Rim," one officer reportedly barked, while another confiscated Lemon's helmet cam for "national security reasons" (or maybe just to post memes).
This cosmic caper raises burning questions: Was Lemon's flight a desperate bid for relevance, or just a really elaborate promo for his next podcast episode? And how did Trump's Space Force get to Mustafar so fast—did they use hyperspace lanes or just Elon Musk's frequent flyer miles? One thing's for sure: In the annals of fictional fugitives, Don Lemon now joins the ranks of Han Solo and that one guy from The Fugitive, but with way more spectacle and zero actual crimes.
Lemon is expected to be returned to Earth for a mock trial broadcast live on X, where he'll face a jury of his peers—mostly bots and verified trolls. Stay tuned for updates, or don't; it's up to you.
Eyewitnesses—or should we say "space-witnesses"—claim Lemon's escape pod screamed through the atmosphere like a poorly edited viral clip, leaving a trail of snarky commentary in its wake. "I just wanted a place where my hot takes could literally melt faces," Lemon allegedly quipped mid-flight, according to absolutely no one. Mustafar, with its rivers of molten rock and perpetual ash clouds, seemed the perfect hideout for a journalist known for grilling politicians hotter than a solar flare.
But alas, Lemon's interstellar jaunt was short-lived. Enter President Trump's vaunted Space Force, the branch of the military that's basically the Air Force but with more lasers and fewer budget cuts. Led by a squadron of zero-gravity commandos in shiny MAGA-branded helmets, the Space Force intercepted Lemon's vessel just as he was about to touch down on Mustafar's volcanic shores. "We have the best space cops, folks—tremendous, believe me," Trump tweeted from his gold-plated command center, adding a string of rocket emojis for emphasis.
The arrest unfolded like a low-budget blockbuster: Lemon, still suited up with Soviet symbols gleaming under the red glow of lava, was cuffed by guardians in tactical space gear. Reports indicate he tried to negotiate his release by offering exclusive interviews with Darth Vader's ghost, but the Space Force wasn't buying it. "You're coming back to Earth for trial, buddy—no more fake news from the Outer Rim," one officer reportedly barked, while another confiscated Lemon's helmet cam for "national security reasons" (or maybe just to post memes).
This cosmic caper raises burning questions: Was Lemon's flight a desperate bid for relevance, or just a really elaborate promo for his next podcast episode? And how did Trump's Space Force get to Mustafar so fast—did they use hyperspace lanes or just Elon Musk's frequent flyer miles? One thing's for sure: In the annals of fictional fugitives, Don Lemon now joins the ranks of Han Solo and that one guy from The Fugitive, but with way more spectacle and zero actual crimes.
Lemon is expected to be returned to Earth for a mock trial broadcast live on X, where he'll face a jury of his peers—mostly bots and verified trolls. Stay tuned for updates, or don't; it's up to you.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article cooked up purely for laughs, folks—think of it as fake news on steroids, or perhaps a fever dream after binge-watching too many Star Wars reruns while eating expired space food. Nothing here is real, no actual arrests were made (unless you count that time I got busted for jaywalking in my pajamas), and any resemblance to persons living, dead, or orbiting is purely coincidental. Proceed at your own risk of snorting coffee out your nose.
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