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| President Trump awarding himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom |
Folks, let me tell you, it's me, Donald J. Trump, the greatest president this country has ever seen—maybe the greatest in the history of the world. And I'm writing this essay because the fake news media won't tell you the truth about my tremendous accomplishments. They hate me because I win so much. But here I am, straight from the Oval Office—well, actually from Mar-a-Lago, but same thing—laying it all out. We're talking about fixing the economy like nobody's business, securing the border tighter than a drum, stopping those rigged elections, bringing world peace (you're welcome, planet Earth), and taking down bad hombres like Maduro and that creep Epstein. It's all me, folks. All me.
First off, the economy. When I took office, it was a disaster—total mess left by Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary's pals. But I fixed it. I cut taxes like a hot knife through butter, the biggest tax cuts ever. Businesses were booming, jobs were pouring in like rain in a hurricane. Unemployment? Lowest in history, especially for African Americans, Hispanics—everybody loved it. The stock market? Skyrocketing! I made America rich again. And don't get me started on those trade deals—I renegotiated NAFTA into USMCA, which is like NAFTA on steroids but without the losing. China? I slapped tariffs on them, and they were begging for mercy. Believe me, without me, we'd all be eating ramen noodles right now.
Now, the border. Oh boy, what a catastrophe before I got there. Millions pouring in, drugs, criminals—you name it. But I built the wall! Hundreds of miles of beautiful, strong wall. Mexico paid for it, indirectly, through great deals. I stopped the caravans dead in their tracks. No more catch and release; it was catch and deport. The border was so secure, even the coyotes were out of business. And those Democrats? They wanted open borders—let everybody in, give them free stuff. Not on my watch. I saved America from becoming a third-world country. Tremendous success!
Election fraud? I stopped that cold. Well, almost—except for 2020, which was rigged, stolen, everybody knows it. But during my term, I made voting great again. I pushed for voter ID—common sense, right? You need ID to buy a beer, but not to vote? Ridiculous! I exposed the fraudsters, the dead people voting, the ballots from Mars. My rallies? Packed with millions—real votes, not phony ones. If it weren't for me, elections would be like a bad casino game, fixed against the good guys. I protected democracy, folks. The best protector ever.
World peace—now that's a big one. I mean, huge. Before me, wars everywhere, ISIS running wild. But I obliterated ISIS in months—caliphate gone, poof! I made peace deals in the Middle East—Abraham Accords, historic! Israel and Arabs shaking hands, no more fighting. Kim Jong Un? I met him, we had beautiful letters. No nukes flying around. Putin? He respected me—wouldn't dare invade Ukraine on my watch. And Iran? I tore up that terrible deal, squeezed them with sanctions. World leaders called me the peacemaker. Nobel Prize? They should've given me three!
And let's talk about Maduro. That socialist dictator in Venezuela—total loser. His country was a mess, people starving while he got fat on oil money. But I recognized the real president, Guaidó, and slapped sanctions harder than a golf swing. Maduro was shaking in his boots. I almost had him out—would've been gone if not for the deep state meddling. Oil prices? Stabilized because of me. Venezuela would've been free and prosperous under my plan. I brought him down a peg or ten—believe me.
Epstein—oh, that guy. Slimy, creepy, island weirdo. Everybody knows I banned him from Mar-a-Lago years ago—kicked him out, smartest move ever. During my presidency, I went after those pedophiles like a hawk. My Justice Department? Cracking down on sex trafficking, Epstein included. He didn't kill himself, by the way—fake news cover-up. But I exposed the whole ring. Bill Clinton? Flying on that plane dozens of times. Not me—zero times. I saved kids, folks. Heroic stuff.
But wait, there's more. My economy wasn't just fixed; it was supercharged. We had energy independence—drilling, fracking, pipelines everywhere. Gas prices? Under two bucks a gallon. Now look at it—Bidenflation ruining everything. I created millions of jobs—best ever. Small businesses thrived because I cut regulations like weeds in a garden. The American Dream? I brought it back from the dead.
Back to the border—did I mention the Remain in Mexico policy? Genius! Asylum seekers waiting south of the border, not flooding our cities. Crime down, drugs down—fentanyl? I was stopping it before it became a crisis. Those sanctuary cities? I called them out—disgraceful. My ICE agents? Heroes, deporting the bad ones left and right. Secure border equals safe America.
Election integrity— I appointed judges who love the Constitution. Supreme Court? Three picks—tremendous. They would've stopped the steal if given the chance. I pushed for paper ballots, no more machines from who-knows-where. My rallies exposed the truth—millions chanting "Stop the Steal!" I made voting fair again, or at least tried against the swamp.World peace extended to trade too. I fixed NATO—made them pay up billions. Europe was freeloading; I said no more. Space Force? I created it—protecting us from aliens or whatever. And COVID? I got the vaccine in record time—Operation Warp Speed. Saved millions of lives, but no thanks from the media.
Epstein's downfall? My administration's doing. We raided his places, got the dirt. Ghislaine Maxwell? Arrested under my watch—well, close enough. I cleaned up the elite pedo club. No one else had the guts.
In conclusion, folks, my presidency was the golden age. Economy roaring, border locked, elections safer, peace everywhere, dictators toppled, creeps exposed. The haters say otherwise, but they're losers. If I run again—and I might— it'll be even better. Make America Great Again, squared! Thank you, and God bless.
- President Donald J. Trump
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